If your relationship ended, there are some questions you should ask yourself. Why this happened? Does it make sense to fix it and get back together? Who made mistakes in the relationship? What are my priorities and what are those of my former partner? Are our priorities, values and way of life compatible with one another?
When the mistakes were made mostly by one partner, in the most cases, it does not make sense to give the relationship another chance. It is important to find out why the relationship broke down. It is often difficult to answer this question. It can help to ask good friends to give their perspective, as people on the outside often have a different perspective on the situation.
An extreme example of a relationship breaking down is because of mistakes like alcoholism, drugs or some other addictions. Does it make sense to get back with your ex in such cases? The answer is a clear no! It is a no-win situation, despite the presence of love!
One should not adapt to certain circumstances or negative behaviour of the partner just because of a fear of losing him/her. Then it is better to start new life and not try to get back together with the Ex.
In order to illustrate this point, I would like to tell you a story from Hinduism from the book Ramayana. Rama had to go into exile in the forest for 14 years. As heir to the throne, he should have succeeded his father as king, his own people and all the surrounding communities wanted it that way. The king, his father, was chased away because of a trick one of his wives played on him. Aggrieved by what she had done, he broke down and eventually died. Rama was already in exile in the forest when his brother came to him with a choice of subjects. They told him they would support him with his grief caused by the loss of his father, make him king and that they would love him conditionally and that is why he should come back.
But Rama replied, “There’s a deeper meaning to my being in exile here in the forest. My father was the only instrument in God’s hands, and that’s why I had to go into exile. There is a higher law. ”This law called Dharma, is similar to the 10 promises or the 10 commandments in the Bible. Dharma is the example of how one should behave and it stated above all in the Dharma that Rama should stay in the forest with his wife and his brother. His brother said, “Unconditional love is the highest principal - it stands above everything else. Even when Dharma dictates your being in exile, love stands above everything else and that’s why you have to come back.”
The two brothers reached a compromise. A healer who was present had to say what was higher: love or the divine rules, Dharma. After meditating the wise man said to Rama, “Love is the highest principal. It stands above Dharma and above everything else, because love is ￼the point from which everything stems, God is inclined to change the laws, concerning unconditional love – BUT unconditional love does not demand anything. If you truly love your brother, then you should go with all the subjects, who obviously love him unconditionally. Ask him what he wants and you must do as he wants as proof he can accept your unconditional love.”.
And Rama said that he had to stay in the forest, that Dharma is the path that he must take. Thus the wise man said that his brother was in the right and Rama had to accept his brother's decision. His brother made a deal with Rama that he (his brother) would be king for 12 years and that on that exact same day 14 years later, Rama would have to come back. Should Rama fail to do this, he (his brother) would commit suicide, because he did not want to be king. Rama agreed to the conditions.
There is one important thing you have to ask yourself:" Does it makes any sense at all?" Or "Is it for me destructive or negative?" If you really love somebody, then you should let that person go his or her own way, even if it hurts. Even if you want to get back together with your ex and see your own failings and want to work on this, you still need to grant this inner freedom.
The problem is that if you want something too much, you tense up and are not at ease. It is normal to want things (whether that’s money, bigger muscles, getting your work done, getting back with your ex), if, however, your “will” for what you want is too strong, and you think “if I don’t get what I want, I will never be happy”, then you block things from coming your way. Energy simply cannot flow!
Whether it is, money or a career, or whatever the case may be, if you become too engrossed in what you want, it will never come to you. And with this type of laid back attitude you can win back your ex. If you engross yourself too much in this task saying, I can never be happy without him or her, then there is no chance at making it work. Nobody is responsible for making another person happy.
We can take the example here of a job interview. If you say, “I must get the job”, you clamp up. However, if you say, “I will try my best but I can accept whatever decision they make in the end”, you are more relaxed.
In case of love, if you want your ex back, you have to be happy first. No-one wants to be willingly with depressed person, who is begging for attention! Become better and stronger version of yourself, and your radiance will do the job for you. Everyone wants to be with happy people full of energy and enthusiasm.
It is good to want something and to strive to get it, whether personal or economical, otherwise you would not have a reason to get up in the morning. But each goal brings ten more goals, which you believe you have to achieve, in order to be happy. But that is all an illusion. You can end up chasing mirage your whole life!
Compromises have to be made on both sides. It is not advisable to take up a new relationship, if compromises are being made on one side, this doesn’t make sense - because the only purpose of a relationship, is being happy together.
In relationships one always hopes to get love, support and understanding from their partner but that is like a beggar meeting another beggar and hoping to get 10 euros from him. One must start by loving oneself, showing compassion to one’s self and developing oneself (be it doing sport, painting, making music and so on). What do I enjoy doing? What inspires me? Set yourself goals and pursue them. Should you meet up with your ex, you have more substance and are a more interesting person.
Try to follow these points:
For a few weeks or months you should keep your distance, not speak on the phone, not say you are going to change, not beg and plead to get back together. Firstly you should sit down and reflect: what mistakes did I make?
That’s how meditating and spiritual books can help. When you yourself have clarity and equilibrium, you can pass on this clarity and love to others.
When this first phase (the first few weeks and months) has passed, then you can make the first phone call. However, don’t be like a bull in a china shop, saying “I have to meet you! I cannot live without you!” A good time to meet is at a birthday party, Easter, Christmas or New Year’s celebrations to ask how they are doing and what’s new in their lives. If you do not get an answer – again give it some time.
If your ex seems interested in knowing how you are doing, then maintain the contact on the basis of being friends. That is also part of being in a relationship - talking about normal things. Maintain contact on the basis of being friends.
What are priorities? People can only be happy when their priorities are in harmony with that of their partner, this intersection is important. Somebody who wants to sell things can only be happy with somebody who buys from them. Are you willing to make compromises? Firstly you have to be aware of where your priorities lie. In this case it is helpful to keep a note book, in which you write down what you want. Even the small things! A good physique? Money? What is important to me? Children? Travel? It also makes clear what is important to the other person.
You must have new talks with your ex and ask what is important to them. What do they want? How many children do they want to have? How much money do they want to earn? How do they see the future and above all, how can you the two of you bring these things into harmony?
It’s normal that you have to hold back on your own needs but no more and no less than 50/50. Where can I or where can my partner be more accommodating? And in all areas of my life: Me as a spirit, as a soul, as a body, regarding my health, friends, family and interests. What do I want from all these aspects of my life? Which ones are of the highest priority? What does that mean for my partner? Intimacy – what is important to me? What is important to my partner?
By talking and being friends with your ex you can reach a level of harmony and possibly start the relationship anew. But the new relationship can only work, if you create a level of intelligibility of yourself and of your partner.